I admit to being competitive, especially at the gym.
I will not get off the rowing machine until my neighbor does -- even if I have to keep rowing for an hour. It's usually not a problem as most people can only stand the rowing machine for ten minutes.
But today I met my match.
The skinny moo next to me started on the elliptical well before me and I couldn't keep up. She was still going when I gave up.
I looked at her numbers as I was heading for the door and noticed that she had spilled nearly a grand worth of calories.
That, my friends, is insane
Besides, she didn't have a gram of fat on her.
Rule Number One concerning gym effectiveness.
After thirty minutes, you're not burning any more calories.
You are just showing off.
More rules for the gym:
I will not get off the rowing machine until my neighbor does -- even if I have to keep rowing for an hour. It's usually not a problem as most people can only stand the rowing machine for ten minutes.
But today I met my match.
The skinny moo next to me started on the elliptical well before me and I couldn't keep up. She was still going when I gave up.
I looked at her numbers as I was heading for the door and noticed that she had spilled nearly a grand worth of calories.
That, my friends, is insane
Besides, she didn't have a gram of fat on her.
Rule Number One concerning gym effectiveness.
After thirty minutes, you're not burning any more calories.
You are just showing off.
More rules for the gym:
- Do not wear your hijab and street clothes in the pool. The women's side looks like the scene from the Wizard of Oz where she melts when exposed to water. Make arrangements for a private swim, please!
- Don't stand on the elliptical machine in front of me stretching for ten minutes, showing me that you have that little space between your buttocks that men like. I am a woman. I hate that shit.
- Beware of personal strainers. They lie. Eighty-percent of weight loss is diet-based. Eighty-percent of personal straining salaries are idiot-based.
- No texting. Leave your phone at home. No one wants to see that.
- No socializing on the machines. If one person is on the rower, you do not have the right to sit on the other one while I'm standing there.
- Take your bloody kids to the municipal pools. There is no room for kiddie mucus, pee and perhaps poo in an adult pool.
- Dress according to your age. No explanation needed.
- Keep your naughty bits covered when in the change room. I don't want to see how far your nipples have fallen since you were twenty-one.
- No horking, under any circumstances while on the equipment, particularly in my general direction.
- Wash your fucking hands and wipe the machines. I don't want another bout of conjunctivitus.
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