Hey kids: School's almost out and it's time to party, party, party!
Your mom will give you the big lecture: don't drink and drive (solid); keep your drink close (wise); and; always wear a condom (score!) But there are some rules even mom won't discuss with you. Here are mine, based on getting three kids safely through a prom:
1. Stay with beer or weed. Avoid shots, needles, little things that look like stamps that I used to find in the dryer. If you want to feel like a human the next day, never mix your poison. And leave the Red Bull at home with your 13-year-old sister.
2. Allow your friends to GPS you on their iPhones. Many a partier has ended up in the river or the police drunk tank, with no one being the wiser. Remember, when you're getting your drink on, do it with your wolf pack.
3. Never puke in the limo. Tuxes, suits and dresses can be dry-cleaned, but a barf-fest in the limo is going to cost you big time. I would suggest a safety sign; tell the driver if he sees somebody with their hand over her mouth, pull over. Everybody else use the whistle.
4. Do not, under any circumstances, fuck your math teacher not matter how good looking she is. You will regret it and she will go to jail.
5. Take a big purse and carry the following: Ipecac (in case you are ruffied); water (to slow down the alcohol poisoning process); a rape whistle and pepper spray (no explanation needed).
6. Don't forget your knickers. Your undies will act as a temporary barrier to allow you to have second thoughts when you find yourself in the bathroom with the guy who sits at the back, who is really 35 years old. Pause for the cause.
7. Know CPR: Trust me on this.
The After Party
You will also need a plan for the next day.
1. Bacon, eggs or grilled cheese.
2. Halls Menthol.
3. Chai tea.
4. A euthanasia plan. Because sometimes life is just not worth living. Ask anyone on Facebook.
My final rule is this: never, ever, try the hair of the dog.
That my friends is the beginning of the end.
Enjoy!
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