Rules for the Gym: Behave accordingly

I admit to being competitive, especially at the gym.
I will not get off the rowing machine until my neighbor does -- even if I have to keep rowing for an hour. It's usually not a problem as most people can only stand the rowing machine for ten minutes.
But today I met my match.
The skinny moo next to me started on the elliptical well before me and I couldn't keep up. She was still going when I gave up.
I looked at her numbers as I was heading for the door and noticed that she had spilled nearly a grand worth of calories.
That, my friends, is insane
Besides, she didn't have a gram of fat on her.
Rule Number One concerning gym effectiveness.
After thirty minutes, you're not burning any more calories.
You are just showing off.

More rules for the gym:

• Do not wear your hijab and street clothes in the pool. The women's side looks like the scene from the Wizard of Oz where she melts when exposed to water. Make arrangements for a private swim, please!

• Don't stand on the elliptical machine in front of me stretching for ten minutes, showing me that you have that little space between your buttocks that men like. I am a woman. I hate that shit.

• Beware of personal strainers. They lie. Eighty-percent of weight loss is diet-based. Eighty-percent of personal straining salaries are idiot-based.
• No texting. Leave  your phone at home. No one wants to see that.
• No socializing on the machines. If one person is on the rower, you do not have the right to sit on the other one while I'm standing there.
• Take your bloody kids to the municipal pools. There is no room for kiddie mucus, pee and perhaps poo in an adult pool.
• Dress according to your age. No explanation needed.

• Keep your naughty bits covered when in the change room. I don't want to see how far your nipples have fallen since you were twenty-one.
• No horking, under any circumstances while on the equipment, particularly in my general direction.
• Wash your fucking hands and wipe the machines. I don't want another bout of conjunctivitus.

Thank you.

Prom Rules: Suit Up, Don't Puke Up

Hey kids: School's almost out and it's time to party, party, party!

Your mom will give you the big lecture: don't drink and drive (solid); keep your drink close (wise); and; always wear a condom (score!) But there are some rules even mom won't discuss with you. Here are mine, based on getting three kids safely through a prom:

1. Stay with beer or weed. Avoid shots, needles, little things that look like stamps that I used to find in the dryer. If you want to feel like a human the next day, never mix your poison. And leave the Red Bull at home with your 13-year-old sister.

2. Allow your friends to GPS you on their iPhones. Many a partier has ended up in the river or the police drunk tank, with no one being the wiser. Remember, when you're getting your drink on, do it with your wolf pack.

3. Never puke in the limo. Tuxes, suits and dresses can be dry-cleaned, but a barf-fest in the limo is going to cost you big time. I would suggest a safety sign; tell the driver if he sees somebody with their hand over her mouth, pull over. Everybody else use the whistle.

4. Do not, under any circumstances, fuck your math teacher not matter how good looking she is. You will regret it and she will go to jail.

5. Take a big purse and carry the following: Ipecac (in case you are ruffied); water (to slow down the alcohol poisoning process); a rape whistle and pepper spray (no explanation needed).

6. Don't forget your knickers. Your undies will act as a temporary barrier to allow you to have second thoughts when you find yourself in the bathroom with the guy who sits at the back, who is really 35 years old. Pause for the cause.

7. Know CPR: Trust me on this.

The After Party

You will also need a plan for the next day.

1. Bacon, eggs or grilled cheese.

2. Halls Menthol.

3. Chai tea.

4. A euthanasia plan. Because sometimes life is just not worth living. Ask anyone on Facebook.

My final rule is this: never, ever, try the hair of the dog.

That my friends is the beginning of the end.

Enjoy!